Joy Leanne

As children we are told we can be anything we want to be when we grow up. We are told anything is possible if we just try hard enough. And then one day, the world stops telling us this and instead points out all the obsticles keeping us from our dreams. It is an odd phenomenon. One which I am straddeling at the moment. I find myself already telling my 5 month old daughter that she is amazing and can do anything she puts her mind to. And yet, I am constantly telling myself why my own dreams are simply that, fluffy cotton candy dreams. What message am I sending to my child? Why should she be confident that I believe in her, if I display such little confidence in myself. Maybe I need to pursue my dreams, not for my sake but for hers.

"She looks so much like you. She has your mouth." This was one of the first pieces of information my husband shared about my daughter that made its way through the morphine and lodged itself in my brain. Over the past eleven weeks I have heard that time and time again. And it's true. Her little nose and the lines around her mouth are shockingly familiar. There are moments when I could swear I was looking at a photograph of myself. However, a frown and a cabbage patch doll nose are not all we have in common. The more she develops, the more I see personality traits similar to my own. She's already showing a determination that borders on stubbornness and a tendency to over react. While I expected to share some things in common with my daughter, I didn't expect this to show itself before birth. Some women are thrilled when they find out they are pregnant. They eagerly wait for their husband to come home so they can share the news in some super- cute manor like present...

My scar was bothering me last night. Nothing serious. Just a little sore and tender. It still stings on occasion. Mostly when I've had Mouse on my lap all day. She wiggles and squirms and rubs against the scar that bears witness to my love for her. Every time I catch a glimpse of the bright purple addition to my anatomy, my mind is flooded with a million thoughts. It is a constant reminder to me. A reminder of the terrifying procedure I went through to bring my Mouse into this world. A reminder of her reluctance to enter this world. A reminder of the million changes both physical and emotional that I have gone through the past year. Weeks before the expected arrival date, Josh and I sat down and wrote out a detailed list of our wishes during labor and delivery. It included a dozen little details on everything from who we wanted in the room with us (no one) to Josh cutting the umbilical cord and how soon we would want to try breast feeding (in the first hour). It was two days after ...