Friday, February 20, 2009
I wrote something yesterday that, when I look at objectively I can see how it would come across as negative. The interesting thing, is that negativity wasn't my goal at all. Neither was the lies that I know came across. For most people to speak or write a lie is to give it power. To give it legs. For me it is the opposite. As long as a thought it trapped in my head I will obsess, I will re work, and I will dwell on it. Those thoughts will run around my head until I am physically exhausted. However, when I write it traps those words on paper. Once that is done I can objectively sit back and look at them and see them for the half truths they are. I can examine them at my leisure. I can look at them from all angles. I can sift through them and pick out the beauty from the ashes. And there is beauty there. I recognize the potential lie in saying "I will never." However, in the moment this is how I felt. And I think there is a certain beauty in allowing ourselves (for a very brief moment) to feel whatever it is we are feeling. There is also beauty in recognizing our short comings, because it is only when we acknowledge them, that we can strive to over come them. I am neither the writer nor the woman I desire to be. But the desire to prove my yesterday self wrong, is motivation to get out of bed today. I am most likely doing a poor job at expressing myself clearly or accurately. But I am at least attempting. And for today, that is a giant step in the right direction.